OMG! How To Ruin A Date...

Recently I was sitting in the Wilkinson Center, looking my ugliest ever (sweats, no make-up, unfixed hair etc etc etc.) working on my midterm when I have my shoulder tapped. I turn and there's an older guy standing there looking at me expectantly. I make a point of slowly taking out my head phones (hoping to send the sign that this interruption was just that...and interruption and let's keep this quick!) and he asks,
"So I have a question for you. I'm going to stick my neck out there and be a doofus! (I really couldn't have thought of a better word...he hit the nail on the head!)
I was like "Ok...?"
He said "What would you say if a guy you've never seen before, never had class with, but he's seen you around campus, came up to you and asked you for your number?"
Now at this point I'm pretty shell-shocked and don't really know what to say...so I say
"Um ya, I guess...?"
He says "Ok cool, my name is David!"
I'm freaking out now because this guy looks to be a heckofalot older than me! Fast forward a week, and we're on the date...here my friends is where I will explain
"How to Ruin a Date"...maestro if you please:
1. Age difference must be awkwardly apparent: 32 year old with a Master's in Elementary Ed. from University of Phoenix (yes the online school) asking out a 19 year old.
2. DO NOT PICK HER UP! Meet her somewhere on campus that's convenient for YOU!
3. Grunge down! Holey jeans and sweatshirt with tennies is required, anything above and it would look like you put thought into this date (harsh but true!)
4. Plan to be a tour guide for her of HER campus...take her to buildings she has class in EVERY DAY and explain what's in it. However, don't be a student of the school yourself, just pretend you know all about the campus you never went to!
5. Under NO circumstances do you listen or talk about what you don't want to. If she tries to make small talk, just say "Oh" and let it drop because YOU aren't interested in it (even though on the phone you said you planned a date where the two of you could just walk and "chat...getting to know eachother"...oh the irony of it all!)
6. Take her to "museums" (really just displays in the buildings she has class in) that are closed and have been closed since 5pm
7. Fufil your manly roll as dictated by society..."Me man, you woman, me like meat, you cook for man. If woman like, man no likey"
8. Respect her personal space: walk either 5 steps AHEAD or BEHIND her, never right next to her, and still have a conversation (think it can't be done...you're right) the WHOLE time!
9. Mention that you're the oldest of 9 kids, all your siblings are married and you CAN'T WAIT to have kids! You just LOVE children and on the date ask every parent who you see with little kids "How old is she?" ... Parent "Oh, HE'S 1" You "Kinda small for his age" etc etc etc
10. Mooch your heart out: if you know there's a fancy little "shindig" (oh ya, use that word all night to describe everything your limited vocabulary doesn't supply a monosyllabic word for until your date wants to scream "I'll "shin" your "dig" if you say that one more time!!!") is going on, a charity fund raiser of sorts where dinner is provided for about $30 a plate, tell your date later on you'll stop by and see if we can get some free "goodies" from them. (At this point I was so mortified I was going to offer to buy us ice cream so that we didn't crash the charity fund raiser!)
11. When you're looking at art...in the art museum!!!...don't stop to look, analyze and interpret. Just walk by at a swift pace, glancing uninterestedly at the paintings and when your date is still on picture #3 (because she really does like analyzing the paintings...they are AMAZING!) be on the opposite side of the gallery, sitting on the bench, waiting for her to be done!
12. Just to end the date with a "bang!"
walk her to YOUR car...
handshake...
drive away.
Don't offer to give her a ride, she was given two feet, let her use them!

That, my dear family, is how you ruin a date!
Enjoy the pics!